My sheets look like a crime scene.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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