In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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