idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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