You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
there was a trapeze. enough said
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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