I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
