dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
