I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
