i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize