Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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