it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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