laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i think i have two assholes
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
