I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
