pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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