his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
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