I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
