Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
