she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
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