I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize
