but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize