Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize