Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
