i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Two words: blizzard sex
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
