that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
