Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
