Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize