i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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