Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
