No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
