I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
