if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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