Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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