So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
