dude i'm inner monologue high
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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