anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
