why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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