sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
