cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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