I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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