there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Randomize
