i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
