Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I bet he comes in French.
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
