Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Randomize
