yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Randomize
