Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
