If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
