If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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