You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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