Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I forget how to act sober
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
