i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
