I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
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