I wish I could teleport
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
as a side note pls kill me
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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