Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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