I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
