he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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