at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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