No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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