upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
