Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
