this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
