Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
