I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
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